A few weeks ago I received a notice from a friend on Facebook that wanted to restructure a group formed a while back for a High School Reunion. They were reminding everyone that it has been almost 20 years since we were in school. This was almost impossible for me to believe. So much has changed in 20 years, however it truly only feels more like around 5 years to me.
20 years ago I didn't have 5 children or a husband. I'm so thankful for them. I'm so glad for everything that has happened in my life that has brought me to this place. I'm very thankful I can spend more time with my family than lots of other moms out there. I'm very grateful for a husband that has been given a wonderful job by GOD to support his family with so we can be a Homeschooling family. I'm thankful that even over the hard times, Bobby and I have chosen to stay by each other's side to raise these children with, and continue to grow our family. I can never imagine my life without all of those little feet around me, and someone to help me raise them with. Praise GOD for HIS goodness to my family. This is a wonderful change in my life over the past 20 years.
Today I ran into an old friend. Probably the best friend that I shared 5 years of my life with when I was in the military. He probably got to know more about the real me than anyone else in our Company. However, after I signed my release papers, we never kept up with each other. I walked down to a site today at the Merlefest where the National Guard was set up wanting to recruit. I had went for information about how a Homeschooler in Wilkes could get involved with the ROTC program if they wanted to. Low and behold, the very person that I walked up to to receive some information was my old friend Kris Barnhardt. Talk about another memory jogging event. This made me realize how much had changed in my life since I had seen him last. 20 years changes lots of things in a persons life, this is becoming more and more clear to me.
I remember when I graduating, they had us to write something down about where we saw ourselves in 20 years. I have NO idea what I wrote. I'm sure back then it may have been vain, fantasies about how rich I would be, what kind of car I might drive, or home I might live in. Of course, I'm sure I also had some ideas about what kind of husband I would have married and what kind of children I would have. This time seemed so distant then, something way out there, so far out of reach one could hardly even grasp it. Well, it's here now brother! I need to dig that old paper up, if possible, and see just how silly I was back then!
While I was speaking to my friend today, I showed him my pictures of my family. I was thinking to myself about all the things in my life that had happened since I had seen him. Of course like normal humans, I wanted to share the things I was most proud of. (Side note, I really try and not say that word very much, but I have to be honest about my feelings. I am EXTREMELY thankful to GOD for all HE has given me. I count all of my blessings borrowed and I'm most certainly unworthy of any of them. Were I left to my own strengths over the last 20 years, oh me, where in the world would I have ended up?) This is why I used the word pride though, because of course I didn't share with my friend the things that I was not proud of.
In saying that, what all is it over the last 20 years I do want to share. Versus, what all is it over the last 20 years I wish to never speak of and even would love to pretend it never happened? What all have I learned in 20 years; and what all do I really just wish I had never even heard of, much less said or did? What all has improved about me; and what all still needs a lot of working on.
I could most certainly say my appearance has probably not improved. Well, lots of it anyway! LOL! I have to laugh here, because if I can't laugh, well then I'd just wish I could show you what was in my mind right now. I can think back to that glasses wearing, braces having, acne filled face that has a "perm you wished you had never gotten" hair setting on top of it. Oh my, wasn't that a site. I remember Bobby used to say that when I turned 30 he was going to put my 15 year old picture in the paper, along with my 30 year old picture and say "Thank GOD for what Mary Kay Does, Happy Birthday!" Yes he is rotten, but the truth is the truth. I did look funny then in lots of ways. Well now I just look funny in lots of other ways! Seriously, I was thinking today about all the little lines, spots, and bulges that I have now I didn't back then. Would I trade in my extra pounds and laugh lines for some acne and bad hair? I think NOT! However, even though it's different, I do still not look like I wished I could look. I guess I'm definitely the typical female, that is for sure.
I think about what I was like 20 years ago. I slightly remember what was important to me. Which guy could I make notice me? Which jeans looked best on me? Which friend was the truest and least likely to stab me in the back? Where was I going to go for college, and what was I doing with my life? These were all thoughts my little 17 year old brain had in it then. Now I think about the guys I want to notice me, GOD and my husband along with my little boy Seth. I hardly ever wear jeans anymore, because I prefer the way my skirts make me look and feel more feminine. Beside, some of my jeans do not exactly look the same, and I'm certain none of the ones from 20 years ago would even fit now! My friends have all waxed and waned, drifted and reappeared since then. Some I am so grateful to still have in my life. I have many true friends, however very few who have walked each step of this way with me over these many years. (I'm so thankful for my Shannon, I'll never stop loving her and I'm so glad I can depend on her to love me unconditionally.) I'm grateful for all of the new friends I have too, and I'm most certainly glad that I have several that are in my circle of trust! What have I done with my life? Well I can say college prepared me a little, but I didn't get my degree in Homeschool Teaching, or Mommy Philosophy, or even in Domestic Engineering by any means. So I can't say that what I started out as is at all where I have ended up.
I do hope that somethings have changed for the good. I know I have gained some weight, but I do believe my heart weighs much more, so that must account for something right? I know that my heart has grown and grown for my husband Bobby. Although at times I feel as though I could strangle him, I do know that I love him much more now in many ways than I did 16 years ago! I know that each time I had another child, my heart grew in a way I never thought it could. I remember always feeling worried each time I had a baby; how could I love this new one in my tummy as much as I loved the one in my arms? But somehow, each time GOD miraculously grew my heart more and more. I know that I'm a much more compassionate person now, and I'm glad for that extra weight. Watching the hurts of others and even enduring hurts of my own, has made me gain more and more space in my heart for those hurting around me. I have also gained more knowledge in my brain too. I'm grateful that I have gained more and more understanding of the ONE that loved me enough to die for me!
Although my bottom is not something I can say I've lost weight in, I am grateful though for the things I have lost, or are still trying to lose a little at a time. I'm thankful for that special song I used to sing when I was little, and now my Rosie sings it. "He's still working on me" I'm glad that HE is still working on this gal, that is for sure. HE is bringing me along in HIS vineyard, pruning away things from me that don't meet HIS standards. HE pulls out the doubt and replaces it with hope. HE takes away the anger, bitterness, and resentment, and replaces it with love, forgiveness, and longsuffering. HE helps me trim back that temper, and gives me more humility. I'm so thankful for the things that he has helped me to lose, and pray daily for the things I wish I could still lose. The one thing that I'm probably the most grateful to have lost though is Guilt. I'm so thankful he Replaced that Guilt with REDEMPTION!
GOD has most certainly been good to me. There is so much I could have done differently over the last 20 years, however if I had done it differently, would I be where I am now? Probably not! I can say that aside from junk I'd love to still lose about me, I don't want to lose Anything else HE has put into my life in the past 20 years! Praise Jehovah-Jireh, my provider!
May GOD bless you as you reflect on the past and press forward into the future!
Hear, O my son, and receive my sayings; and the
years of thy life shall be many. Proverbs 4:10
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